“Welcome. (clears throat) welcome everybody to the greatest, most memorable, most awesomest job you’ll ever have. It’s Six Flags Magic Mountain, California! Yeah!! Yeah!!”
(some light claps)
It was a small wooden cabin, lined with a couple of old dusty windows and a low ceiling, the kind that makes you think you’ll fit under but hits your head every time letting you know you miscalculated yet again. There was also a picture of four teenagers on a rollercoaster with their hands up hangs diagonally on the wall alongside an ancient looking horseshoe and boots. Three rows of four chairs sat in the center of this cabin filled with six “excited” new employees.
“Hey. I’m Matt.” whispered a long brown-haired, Metallica shirt-wearing, 14 year old extending his hand towards the boy next to him.
“And I’m Tommy! Now shut up and listen!” yelled their “warden”, Tommy Brockner, “Head of Employee Training” who repeatedly flexed that title at the beginning of this meeting. “It is here you will learn how to be a good employee and how to get some hair on your chest. This is no Disneyland-”
“Cleary” mumbled Matt, “or I wouldn’t be suffocating while being yelled at by a man in a bear costume full of piss stains from the nearby racoon population.”
Tommy, who still refused to get out of his bear costume even though his shift was over, rolled his eyes and continued.
“Do you not remember rule number one, Mr. Karp?” Tommy made sure to stress the last name with a heavy grunt.
“Always. Wear. Your Uniform. Now I’m gonna show you what you dimwits are gonna wear for your first couple months.”
Tommy reached into the cardboard box behind him and pulled out the ugliest outfit, so ugly, it looked to Matt like it had won consecutive competitions for “highest turn-off”.
The pants were basically rainbow clown pants, the oversized, baggy kind. The kind that make it look like your waist was too big while your feet became oddly small. Purple and brown Polka dots surrounded the entire side of the pants, which made Matt think of what happens when his dogs uses the bathroom on a piece of clothing. The shirt that followed was a orange and white button down striped, prisoner looking shirt with pink overalls drawn on the sides.
To add to the utter depression of the room, Tommy concluded by saying, “You know folks, I’ve worked here for 13 years. You’ll start working in the “shoot the target” booth. And there’s no shame in working there. And then you’ll work your way up and before you know it, you just might be operating a TXTC ride controller at the ferris wheel. Congratulations!”