The Spaces Between Your Fingers

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Anonymous was a user of methamphetamine (jib, gack), mainly. Her struggle came mainly from a feeling of disconnect from emotions. She attempted suicide in the one day relapse in their recovery, by jumping off of a roof. She considers it to be a “terrible blunder” but still struggles with human connection, self-love, and acceptance by her family.

There is something that you must understand about me: I will never be anything but a drug addict. 

That’s what it is to my family, at least. My mom, my sisters, my friends — they all see me as this worthless junkie who can’t do anything right. I’ve been trying so hard. I am not my addiction, but I guess now I am. 

Standing on this rooftop, I am exactly where I should be. I’m done with it. 

There is a gram of jib coursing through my veins right now. I just feel right in this moment. The drug makes me feel like I was supposed to have been born feeling. I will never understand why you say that drugs make you feel numb, because I have never once felt numb on drugs. When I am on meth or heroin, I am a person. I did not know what it was to feel a warmness in my belly when I’m happy or a sinking when I’m in a bad place until drugs came along. 

I remember my mother staring at me, nothing but anger and disappointment in her eyes. “Why don’t you just fucking kill yourself?” she asked me. 

Fine, mom. Why the fuck don’t I?

That’s why I’m on this roof, right? It has nothing to do with the fact that I’ve suffered with mental health issues my entire life. There’s no connection between your lack of support and my struggles and there’s certainly no correlation between your dislike of me and the fact that I’m standing on a rooftop about to throw myself off of it. 

You can’t imagine how much this hurts. It dwarfs kicking drugs — I did that on someone’s floor on a whim. It hurts more than knowing that you’re blowing off your friends’ unconditional love and it hurts more than the fact that I’m never going to help another homeless person again. 

It’s why I’m gacked out and ready to die. It’s hard to fight it when it just feels right. 

Ahh, to hell with it

I jump. I’m in the air for a brief few seconds, three stories up, and then I’m down. 

I hit the ground, but I can feel it. I’m not dead.

I guess it wasn’t so right after all. 

“It was a terrible blunder, really”

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2014
Ontario, Canada

Anonymous was a user of methamphetamine (jib, gack), mainly. Her struggle came mainly from a feeling of disconnect from emotions. She attempted suicide in the one day relapse in their recovery, by jumping off of a roof. She considers it to be a “terrible blunder” but still struggles with human connection, self-love, and acceptance by her family.

Decade: 2010s
Rating:
Recorded by Vince Bellino on December 2, 2014
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