The Spaces Between Your Fingers

Click the image to flip

Flip
My dad passed away last fall, my second year being in US. My dad was a well-respected man and there was this grand funeral for him; I didn't fly back to attend it though. of course my hometown people didn't understand but all I was thinking was

Out of the blue the images of my dad dancing goofily to make me laugh emerged before my eyes. I couldn't laugh anymore though.

It had been four months since he passed away. Cancer. So it didn't really struck me as a surprise. I knew he had a really hard time during the last period in his life: not only the suffering physically, it's even harder for a strong and admired man like him having to face the fact that he had to relied on other's help to pee or even sit up. So I figured it's a relief for him, to get out of all that. 

Anyway I was doing great. I guess I cried less than I was supposed to; I made a lot of new friends; I was actually, one of the best in the class. No one knew, I told no one. It was easier to pretend to be happy and make people laugh than just telling them that I was actually not okay. 

But that day, four mouths after he died, I was waiting for the light to cross the street and suddenly there's this numb feeling crept on my back. I couldn't breathe, tears welled in my eyes. It only lasted for less than 10 seconds,but felt like a lifetime and I thought I was gonna die. 

But then the light changed, I was like born once again and started to cross the street normally like everybody else.

Although there were so many people around me, so many noises, I felt so alone: for the first time, I realized I was completely alone in this world. There would never be another person who tells me everything is going to be fine and actually mean it because no one is gonna be the one to fight for it, for me. From now on, I was on my own. I was on my own.

So I got this tattoo in memory of him because rabbit is the sign for his birth year in Chinese tradition. Everyone who saw it said it's a such beautiful tattoo. I still just can't tell anyone what it means to me, I don't know, it's still hard.

On the Road..Alone

Flag as Inappropriate
September, 2013
Philadelphia, PA

My dad passed away last fall, my second year being in US. My dad was a well-respected man and there was this grand funeral for him; I didn't fly back to attend it though. of course my hometown people didn't understand but all I was thinking was "I really couldn't deal with this right now". Later mom told me that in the will, he specifically stated not making me coming back for his funeral: I guess he just knew me, he always did, that I am such a selfish coward. He would always make fun of me "being a baby", but in the end let me do whatever I wish to.

Decade: 2010s
Rating:
Recorded by SHIYI TIAN on December 3, 2014
×
×
4
×
Alert IconAre you sure you want to permanently delete this postcard? You cannot undo this action. Delete
×